I know you by heart
by welsh-girl
Summary: He would sacrifice anything for her, but at what cost? Carby! Please Read and Review!


Hi, this is the first story I've written under my new name. I hope you like it, it a Carby as always, hehe. This first chapter is Carter's thought in Africa after being gone 6months after the last time he leaves in series 11. Don't really no where I'm going with it so bare with me.

Read and Review please, so I know if you like it or hate it! Thank you for reading!

**Routine**

The day fades into night, it's routine. It can't be changed. Now I come to think of it, she was indeed right, people don't change and neither does much else. An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, a murderer even after conviction will still wait for the perfect moment to strike again, a drug addict, once cured will always be a drug addict, this is the one I fear the most. My life has become routine, again. In Chicago every day began the same and ended the same, somehow I believed Africa would be different, but yet I slip back into my old ways, starting the day thinking of her and ending the day dreaming of her. If I close my eyes tight enough I can almost imagine her next to me, caressing my upper arm as she sleeps lightly, my hand carefully placed on her stomach. Back then, that was routine, I never grew bored of it, but somehow with time it grew less intimate and arched towards habit. So if that was so terrible, why do I find myself yearning for her now?

My eyes are torturing the picture, it seemed perfect, my smile is genuine, my eyes shimmer with optimism and my skin glows with encouraging essences. She looks beautiful, her body language portrays the laid back atmosphere, her eyebrows perched inquisitively above her heart melting auburn eyes, and finally that cheeky grin had made an appearance. However unrealistic dancing outside in November is, it made me realise how much I truly love her, and this picture is a constant reminder of how much I have lost.

I never realised, in the heat of the moment, how stupid I actually was. In hindsight you see the mistakes you make, the wrong turns you take, I'll be the first to admit I make a lot of mistakes but this really beats everything else in my past. Things always seem worst in present, you can dread something that's in the future but what's guaranteeing how bad it will be? When it's in the past, why is it you always think you over reacted? But when you're in that moment, everything is different, you are no longer in control, it's hard to act on impulse and always think of the consequences. This is probably the worst mistakes I have made. Running miles away from my life, the cold Chicago air, the amazing scenery, the chaos, my friends, my …her.

It's too late now. I'm here, in a dull beautiful place, beautiful because it is, so much mystery, places that haven't been discovered yet, just lying there waiting to be unearthed. Dull because there's something missing. I watch the shadows fall on another sweltering day, the heat just emphasizes how I miss the cold, my life, her. I swore to myself when I left it was the end. But I still spend every painful last moment in awe of her, even though she's millions of miles away I can smell her, taste her, feel her presents. She's been in my grasp so many times and I've thrown it all away so many times.

Breaking the habit is the one thing I could never do, drugs, it took her to save me. Money, it took her to show me you don't need it. Dealing, it took her to show me you can get over everything with time, I think she's the one exception. I think this just proves I need her to function properly, she was my rock, and then again I relied on her for too much. She was so vulnerable and all I did was push more pain onto her. I never wanted to fix her, I wanted the Abby she was, problems or no problems.

People look at me with sad eyes, they know all about Kem leaving, all about Joshua, they even know the only reason I'm still walking the dessert of Africa is because I'm actually terrified to go back home. Home as in Chicago. Granted I've only been gone six months, but a lot can change in that amount of time. I mean what if I go back and she's found the love of her life, I couldn't bare to see that. I'd love to see her happy but with no one but me, hypercritical I guess since I pushed her away, I walked away, I was the coward. If I don't leave, I'll live and die this way, I have to escape the foundation I've made for myself. Even if she doesn't want me, at least I can say I tried, and that I did all in reach of my will power to make her want me again.

_(Preview for next chapter : Carter's still in Africa, when Abby faces a reoccurring problem. Who will be there for her?)_


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